My husband circled the garage across from the hospital trying to find a parking space. I now hate hospitals. They are no longer the place where you go to see a beautiful newborn baby. They are no longer the healers. They are no longer the miracle makers. They have become a dark, ugly, place that I never want to visit again.
I still had not cried. Had not spoken. My gaze was still fixed straight ahead. If I don’t move, my heart will, in turn, stay in place. It will keep beating at the same pace. Don’t panic…don’t show fear…don’t show pain. My brain will continue to take over. Isn’t it funny how athletes work out to make their bodies stronger? They sweat, they pant, they lift 3 times their weight, to build their muscles. Silly, people…don’t they know that the strongest muscles in our bodies are our hearts and brains??? Without those 2 components, we can’t go on! They are so strong, that they are constantly battling it out! The mind wants to over power the heart! The heart wants to be in command! Ironically enough, a few hours ago, those 2 organs has started a battle inside of me.
Don’t think, Cynthia. Just let your body be led. Don’t breath, don’t think. Don’t feel. I get out of the truck. My knees go weak. My husband holds me up. I feel like I’m walking in quicksand. The newspaper falls out of the truck. I just want to go back to 9:00 am. Three letter word for ‘Dreamy state sleep’. Nightmare????
I had text my kids to let them know we were on the road. Two of them text back. I remember telling Scott I had this feeling. Couldn’t explain it other than ‘ugly’. He said it was the caffeine from my quad Americano. No…a different kind of heaviness in my chest feeling. Shake it off” I told myself. Don’t worry…Ha…who am I kidding? I am a worrier. I worry if I have nothing to worry about because that means something is going to happen which will cause me worry! I try to keep my mind busy. I continue to work on my crossword puzzle. Look at phone…maybe a missed the ding….hhmmm..no reply. Should I text again? It won’t hurt. “I love you baby boy.” Nothing. We are now going over the grapevine. My heart and head are battling it out. UUUGGG. FINALLY! 10:47…ting…A TEXT!! It’s from his girlfriend, Sarini. Hi Momma!!! Sorry, we were at the gym! We love you have a great time!! Phew, I thought. Except the battle was still going strong. UUUGGGG! Stop!. 1:58. The phone rings….