Stage Fright

The following is found on Google :

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

Bull***  Don’t get me wrong.  I have encountered and continue to encounter all of these emotions in their entirety.  However, they do not come in the perfect order we are told they will occur.  They come in any order they want, and sometimes they come with vengeance.  They are scary, they are mean, they are breath bandits. They visit me whenever they want to… like an unwanted, annoying guest. They  beat on your door and you try to hide but they stay and pound on your door until you have no choice but to let them in.  You can’t hide.  They know you are there.  You let them in and you tell yourself, “I am one step close.  Then, God help me, it starts all over again.

It is explained to us that  once we have dealt with the first four steps, we will then have  acceptance.  Excuse me….WHAT??!!  Acceptance???!!!  Are you kidding me??  Who wrote this?  Definitely not a grieving parent.  Not a mother that has touched the face of their child who has taken their last breath.  Not a parent that has felt their heart torn from their chest and had it shred to pieces, never to be put together whole again.  Not a person that has seen their son or daughter, lying lifeless on a metal table …the life stolen from them. ACCEPTANCE?? I will NEVER accept the fact that my son is gone!  I refuse to ACCEPT  the fact that my amazing son will never hug me, hold me, kiss me  or say I love you momma, ever again.

What I will do is train myself to know he will not be home for the holidays or blow out candles on his  birthday.  I will train myself to understand that he will not dance at his sisters wedding.  He will not teach his nephew how to throw a football or his niece how to dance.  He will not be raiding our fridge or taking all the leftovers home after a BBQ!  I have trained myself that I will never hear him laugh at me when I answer his  phone call with “what’s wrong!?” instead of hello. “Nothing momma..I just wanted to say I love you.”

I will bargain with God…I will yell, scream and question God…I will be angry at the world…I will be depressed and I will cry at the drop of a hat but I will NEVER, EVER accept the fact that my son is gone…..NEVER