Don’t Leave

I don’t remember much after we returned to our seats.  I’m sure Pastor ended with some encouraging words..maybe a prayer.  The only thing I do recall is him asking the audience to please give the family  a few minutes of privacy as we made the final walk with our son.

I have no idea who walked outside with me, other than my husband.  We stepped to the side and watched as my beautiful son was carefully placed into the car.  All of a sudden, it hit me like a hot piercing spear!   My heart was racing…screaming out in agony!  ‘I WILL NEVER SEE MY BABY AGAIN!  THIS WAS IT!!! HE WAS REALLY GONE!  I WOULD NEVER HEAR HIS VOICE! I WOULD NEVER FEEL HIS TENDER KISS ON MY FOREHEAD! I WOULD NEVER  DANCE AT HIS WEDDING OR HOLD HIS NEWBORN BABIES!  WHY, DEAR GOD!!??? WHY!!???’

Then, I did all I could do at that moment. I climbed into the back of the car on my knees, laid my body on top of his coffin and cried in agony. I couldn’t breath. My world was spinning out of control and I couldn’t stop it! “PLEASE don’t leave me, baby! I love you so much! Please come back to me!”

I don’t know how long I was there.  I didn’t care.   I begged for them not to take him.  I pleaded that I needed him to stay.  Family members pulled me back out.  The sobs from my children brought me back to my ugly reality.

I painfully watched as they took him away from me…again


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and then there were 2. I am the mom to 3 beautiful adult children..2 are still physically with me....One is with us in spirit. Even though they are adults, they will always my babies. I hope you follow me on my journey. Though we are all different, we are all the same

4 thoughts on “Don’t Leave”

  1. I spoke with my friend about her loss. How she was there when he passed… well I went to bed last night and dreamed about the whole ordeal… I felt the pain she felt… I had relived the whole situation… but before waking up in tears… the dream spoke to me… God said in this dream…”it is done, he is at home resting! I awoke crying and sent my information to my friend… I pray that this dream was a message from God to give closure and peace to her. I pray for him, I pray for your family… May God bless you. MICHAEL CARNELL.


    1. Thank you. I can’t imagine what she went thru. My emotions are still too raw to ask for details. I am so grateful that he wasn’t alone and that the woman that loved him was with him until the end. I can never repay her for that.


  2. My beautiful friend, my heart breaks for you. I’m sitting here crying reading these again. I honest to God wish I could take away your pain. I remember when Alix came back to work after everything, she would have some really bad days, I would be strong for her in front of her, but then I would go in my office and cry. I just wanted to ease her heart of that crippling grief, as I wish I could do for you. Love you both. 💜


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