At What Age?

What hurts more?  To lose a child when they are a mere days old, a few years old or as an adult?  As a younger child, do you mourn the memories that have yet to be made or as an adult, do you mourn the memories that have been made?

I have had parents approach me and tell me that they understand my pain.  They go on to explain how they lost a child right after they were born.  Some say that due to modern technology and genetic testing,  they were aware of the harsh reality.  As if some cruel joke, they  had to go through the entire pregnancy dreading the grim outcome.  Where once they were embracing this wonderful and magical gift from God, they were thrust into a land of misery and despair before they were even able to hold their child. Others have had the blissful, beautiful moments of parenthood when unexpectedly and unannounced, death has visited their once peaceful  and innocent lives. They disclose the painfully memory of walking over to pick up their newborn only to feel a cold lifeless body.  Or the parent that turned their back for a second to grab a towel, and when they returned their child was underwater.  I have heard about family bike rides that have lead to the unthinkable and watching their child be dragged off by a car.  And the teenage driver that became distracted by the dinging of a cell phone and never made it home.  Which death hurts more, I wonder?

When I read the newspaper, I always read the obituaries.  I used to scan the last names to see if anyone looked familiar, followed by glancing at the ages of the deceased.  Now, I look at the ages first.  I scan to see if the person was close to my son’s age.  I can’t explain why.  Maybe I want to feel like I am not alone.  I want to know that I wasn’t targeted and treated unfairly or unjust.  It sounds horrible, I know, but when I see that someone close to my son’s age has passed, I feel some sort of relief.  Just putting these thoughts to paper make me feel ashamed.  Am I cruel to want to have this horrific event in common with another human being?  I think abut their parents and the ugliness and pain they are trying to maneuver through. I wonder how they found out of their child’s untimely death.  Did they know it was an unavoidable event or were they slapped in the face with this brutal reality of pain so hard that the scar will always be visible?  At what age is the hurt not as profound or intense?  Is there even a distinction?  I think not…

Death is ugly…the death of a child is a ferocious beast.



Published by


and then there were 2. I am the mom to 3 beautiful adult children..2 are still physically with me....One is with us in spirit. Even though they are adults, they will always my babies. I hope you follow me on my journey. Though we are all different, we are all the same

4 thoughts on “At What Age?”

  1. My heart aches for you more and more with every post I read of yours, Cynthia. You are not a bad person for doing, thinking, or feeling the way you do. It’s nobody’s business nor is it their place to judge on how you choose to deal with grief. You keep doing what you need to do to heal and don’t worry about what other people think. You and your family are greatly loved. 💕
    You’re in my prayers daily. Much love, Deidra

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sadly, I can relate to your posts so well. My son has been gone just 6 weeks. I also scan the obituaries and feel some sort of twisted comfort when I see people around his age who have passed. Like you, I would never wish this unbearable grief on anyone. I guess it just makes me feel less alone.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.