We must all navigate this journey at our pace, in our own style. There are no wrongs or rights. There are no books to read, videos to watch, seminars to attend. No one out there can tell us what to expect or learn. I myself, am NO expert whatsoever! Heaven knows I never wanted to even attempt to be one. Slowly, I have navigated my broken body through this dark and un-welcomed journey.
I also understand that some people want to avoid me. I have become a type of anomaly to them. Who loses a child and why the hell are they in the same room with me? It becomes easier to avoid someone than to acknowledge the pain on their face.
I was talking to a dear friend today. I was retelling the story of the one year anniversary and how difficult it was for me. I was hurt and honestly offended that the amount of people that gathered at the site for a balloon release was so small. Yet, I understand how life does go on and that the world doesn’t suddenly stop spinning because I am in pain. We got some text messages, some face book posts, but I felt as some people didn’t bothered to take a half hour out of their day to show any support for us. I know I should not think that, but grief is harsh…and brutally honest. The hardest and toughest to swallow for me, though, was family members that merely decided on their own that we wanted to be alone and didn’t bother communicating with us. I wonder why it was so difficult for them to ask what we needed that day? Some were a mere few miles away but chose to go about their normal activities. I guess they still don’t understand that our broken lives will never be normal again.
I never expected to be on this journey. I surely don’t expect anyone to take it with me. I would be missing a sensitivity gene if I put such a burden on anyone. Even my kids or husband have to navigate their own paths at their own pace. But, those of you who have not gone through this grieving passage, I want to give you a bit of an insight to what it feels like after time has passed…
‘In the beginning, you were there…taking every twist and turn with us. When we got lost, you were our beacon. The times we had no idea which way to go, you held our hand and helped us navigate through this unknown territory. As the trip continued, you started to take other roads. You went off course for a bit but eventually you made a u-turn and found us. Once again, you held our hand for a bit and steered us in the right direction. When this ‘trip’ started taking too long, you decided we were ok on our own. You figured you had steered us the best you could, and left us to find our own way. You had other roads you wanted to travel without the extra baggage bearing you down. Yet, we still are lost and have no idea where to go…which way to turn. This road had become long and dreary. We are so disoriented, we don’t know if we will ever find our way home. Here we are, standing in the middle of this dark rarely untraveled road, looking for some sort of direction. We are frightened. We are in despair. We look everywhere for you, hoping that you find us and lead us back to civilization. As we look down the road, we catch a glimpse of you, slowly disappearing into the background. We desperately reach out for you but you keep walking away, never even glancing back at us…so in-between sobs, we pray…
“Someone else should be coming along any minute”
3 thoughts on “A Road to No Where”
I am at this place right now in my life. I want to scream, come back, I still need you. But they have moved on. My darkness is to much for them to handle. They want laughter and joy and all I have is sadness and loneliness. I miss them, my friends. Will I see them again one day? Will I ever be what they expect? No, I’m the new me now. Never to return to old fun me. A part of me is gone And will be forever…
I know how you feel. I’m not sure if you have read my entire blog but I have wrote about the”new” me. I get angry because I find more comfortable in total strangers then my own family. I have come to realize that what is left of me can not be determined by the company of others… Many hugs to you sending you happy thoughts
Dearest Cynthia, I know we don’t know each other very well. But I would be happy to be one of the new friends that gets the honor of your presence! Once our friend Betty feels better from her surgery, we should go get coffee, or tea, or wine, or valium. Whatever you need! Call or text me anytime. I can meet you anytime, anywhere. 310-469-8115