WHY me? Why us? Out of ALL the people that I encounter each and every day, why was I picked to lose MY child? Why were MY grandchildren, his brothers babies, forced to never get to play catch football with their favorite and coolest uncle ever? Why was the chance of him having the opportunity give me his OWN grandchildren ripped away from us? Why was MY daughter robbed of dancing with her big brother on her wedding day? Why was it MY family forced to go through the ordeal of burying their first child, first nephew, first grandchild, their best friend? Why are we the ones that keep trying to remain strong yet face so many unanswered questions? WHY?
WHY am I the one that is constantly tries to make sense of this ugliness? This madness? Most of the time I really am rational… as rational as a grieving mother can be… but there are times when I stare out my kitchen window and I get so flipping pissed!! I see him clear as day sitting in my backyard, drinking a beer and playing ping pong. I hear him cracking up when he slammed the ball and got the winning shot. I see his smiling face greeting his grandma in Spanish and giving her a kiss. I remember him giving his sister smack and her dishing it right back at him. I still hear the laughter between them selves and remembering the warmth I felt in my heart. I still see him and his brother sharing secrets and cracking up at their antics. Why? I am pissed!
WHY was I the one picked to spend another Mother’s day with only 2 of my children while other mom’s posted pictures of their “complete, untouched” and perfect families? I don’t understand why I am the one that find’s it painful to celebrate that special day! Why was I the one selected to cheat my other 2 children of watching their mom open well thought out presents, anxious to see my excited response? Instead, they feel as if they must make up the missing piece, being careful not to make me cry. Being so careful not to reopen a wound. Why is it that MY children must take on that burden? WHY?
WHY were we the ones picked??? NO ONE deserves to endure this pain and I would NEVER wish it upon ANYONE but why did it have to be us??? Can ANYONE answer the question..WHY US??? Oh and please, for God’s sake, I don’t want to hear “Well…why NOT you?” That is what I tell myself when I am being ‘rational’. This is NOT one of those times.
WHY did it have to be me to never see her son again? Why am I the one that will never feel his tender kisses? Or never, ever feel his hug again? We are the ones that never hear his laugh or hear his voice again! WHY US? Why am I the one that wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat praying that it has all been a nightmare?! Why do I have to be the one that breaks down crying at a stop light because I see a car that reminds me of him? Or get sick to my stomach because I see a picture of him smiling and I need to quickly turn away in order not to have a melt down?! Why am I the one that has a stone box that holds all the at is left of my first born? WHY me God??! WHY?? Why am I the one that finds herself becoming this irrational? WHY am I the one that has to feel such enormous guilt when I ask…