My dearest Joey,
I think of you every single day. I see you everywhere I go. Sometimes, I can even hear your laugh or smell your cologne. Isn’t that what grieving parents do, though? Look for the child that they lost in every corner of their world, always afraid that the only thing we have left, the memories, may someday fade. What a dreadful thought. Not remembering the sound of your child’s voice. I would rather forget my own name.
On my way to work today, I saw the most beautiful, majestic sunrise! The breathtaking and beautiful piercing colors seem to wrap around me in comfort and give me a feeling of warmth and peace. I knew it was you saying, “good morning momma.” I can always count on that gift from you, honey. As soon as I turn the corner from home, it’s waiting straight ahead for me and like clockwork I smile and whisper, “Good morning, baby. Thank you. I love you.”
I have come to expect the sunrise but lately, I have witnessed some pretty curious things. Events that some prolific believers may call “signs”. At first, I tried to dismiss them, but soon enough they became a bit too obvious to put aside. There are white feathers that seem to follow me everywhere. A beautiful bluebird that sits right by the living room and gently pecks at the window for hours. The Bob Marley songs that play every time I turn on the radio. So, I feel compelled to ask you honey. Is that you trying to get my attention??
You know I was never into Bob Marley until you passed away. There is one particular song that I seem to hear all the time, especially when I am missing you tremendously. I love it so much, I have a print of it in my craft room and a small statue of 3 birds encased in glass. Is it coincidence that I’ve heard ‘Three little birds’ by Bob Marley three times in one day? I think not, my sweet boy! “Every little thing, is gonna be alright”<p class="has-text-align-left" value="<amp-fit-text layout="fixed-height" min-font-size="6" max-font-size="72" height="80">
Speaking of birds, let us talk about the bird that keeps pecking on the window. What is going on with that? Naysayers will say it’s Spring and the bird probably sees its reflection in the window. His territorial instincts kick in, BUT every day for 3 weeks in a row, day or evening, pecking for hours at a time…over and over and over again? Yes, honey, I hear you.
Then there are the feathers. Everywhere I go, there is a white feather. I’ve tried to rationalize this so called ‘sign’ by trying to convince myself that our down bed pillows are shedding. And the feathers that were stuck on the bottom of my shoe? Well, I probably stepped on them on way into the house from the garage. But, how in the world did 6 feathers feathers form a perfect circle in our bedroom floor??? Oh, and by the way, every feather is white…. but you know that, honey.<p value="<amp-fit-text layout="fixed-height" min-font-size="6" max-font-size="72" height="80">At first I did not want to tell anyone. I didn't want people to think I had finally lost my mind or be labeled as 'that' grieving mother trying so hard to hold on to the memory of their child that their world becomes askew. I would be placed in the category with all those crazies that think they see Elvis on a potato chip or the Virgen Mary on their piece of toast. No, I was just was not ready to share my gifts with the world.At first I did not want to tell anyone. I didn’t want people to think I had finally lost my mind or be labeled as ‘that’ grieving mother trying so hard to hold on to the memory of their child that their world becomes askew. I would be placed in the category with all those crazies that think they see Elvis on a potato chip or the Virgen Mary on their piece of toast. No, I was just was not ready to share my gifts with the world.
The only person I was brave enough to tell is Scott. Remember when you were little you would run to show me your latest treasure find? Well, that’s how I get when I run to tell Scott about what I found!. He always smiles and hugs me and then reassures me that yes, it IS you trying to reach out to me. He rubs my back and looks into my eyes and I can’t help but know 1000 percent it is you, baby! I’m so comforted by the fact that he has such deep faith and is a hardcore believer! But you know that, right? He was ALWAYS encouraging you to believe in God and Heaven. He prepared you for the wonderous things you would find in Heaven. Aren’t you glad he did? Was he right? Is it as beautiful as he told you?
I really believe it is you, but now and then, I do catch myself doubting. That scares me. I am afraid that if I do not believe, the signs will stop. That you will throw your hands up in the air, give up on me, and say: “Why bother, momma, if you’re not going to believe. I don’t know what else you want me to do” I get this memory of when I was young and I kind of was starting to believe that Santa was not real BUT just in case, I would still write him a letter. I was afraid not to believe because then what if I didn’t get any presents . What then? Now that I think about it, it wasn’t really about where the presents came from, it was the fear of of losing the magic. I never want to lose the magic of you.
SO, my sweet boy, keep sending me that beautiful sunrise on my way to work. Ever so often, appear out of nowhere on my social media feed and let me hear you laugh…i loved your laugh! Keep Bob Marley playing on my radio. Turn that blue bird in to 2 and blow those feathers (your angel wings) all around me! I see you baby…it’s like you never left….JUST LIKE MAGIC
***EDIT I had just finished this blog but hadn’t posted it because I was planning on checking for errors the following day and I would post it that evening. Today, I was driving to work and I was smiling at another gorgeous sunrise when I got a phone alert from my sons girlfriend. She was missing joey and decided to send me a video ON MY NEWS FEED of him. He was smiling and laughing!! YUP…keep believing in the magic