So Many Unmade Memories

When we lose a child, we lose more than their being.  We lose our hopes, our dreams,  our desires for our children.  We lose what might have been.  We lose our ourselves.

It will hit me out of nowhere and it will come as a massive slap in the face. I am forced to face the reality that I have nothing left of him.  I have the pictures,  the memories, the ‘stuff’ but I will never have the things my other children have and the precious gifts they have given  me.

I will never cry as he says his ‘I do’s”.  I will never have a mother son dance at his wedding.  I will never be able to hold his newborn baby or  get a desperate phone call from him asking me what to do because the baby keeps spitting up.  I won’t have the eagerness and nervousness as I watch his children perform in their first school play or first dance recital.   The giddiness of Christmas and birthday shopping is forever lost. All my future memories ended when his ‘being’ ended as well.

My two precious grand babies were watching the movie Coco at our home.  At the end of the movie, as the music still played, they blissfully danced around the living room. As a bubble of laughter surrounded us, my granddaughter grabbed my hand and had me dance around the room with her.  There I am, laughing, clapping my hands, spinning her around  and absolutely loving every single moment.  She then walked over to her daddy, pulled him off of the chair and told him to dance with me (Abuelita) because she wanted to dance with her brother.  There we were, my grandchildren, my son and I, laughing and dancing in the middle of the living room.  My son pulled me into his arms to slow dance and as if on cue, the song “Remember Me” started to play.  At that moment, as beautiful as it was, we both were in tears.  We held each other tight,  softly crying our anguish away.  I whispered to him, “I will never have this with your brother.”  he answered, “I know mom…I’m so sorry. “

He made me realize that I wasn’t the only that would never have the “moments” we have dreamed of.  My living children will not get to experience having their kids grow up with their cousins…the children he never had. They won’t be able to ‘approve of the fiancee’ or give a toast  at his wedding.  They will never have an older brother to seek advice from or share the highs and lows of being a parent.  They will never have the typical holiday get together , the loud crazy toddler birthday parties, the summer bbq’s or the annual family trip to Disneyland.  Those beautiful memories would never come to be.

I pray that in the midst of missing him and wishing he was here,  his love will always be felt by all of us. I  hope that in every rainbow, in the melody of a bird,  and the laughter of children,  we forever feel his soul inside of our heart. And though his physical being  is no longer here,  my deepest wish is that no matter what, that I always feel him dancing beside me.

WE WEREN’T LIVING LIFE…WE WERE CREATING OUR MEMORIES